


Forever Goodbye: Go deo Slán

by TinderWulf



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Temporary Character Death, F/M, Heartache, Two Endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-10-14 17:03:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20604257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinderWulf/pseuds/TinderWulf
Summary: When Shepard became the First Human Spectre, she expected things to be different. Reality once again reminds her that romance isn't for someone like her. But sex is always sex... wasn't it?





	1. The Sucker Punch

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be updated as the fic is updated. Expect angst. This is a sadder fic I've had on hold forever, edited by Melpomene21 (Thanks Love!!). It's really important you watch the tags. On the last chapter, there are two endings I will post separately. I will remind you in the notes here so you can read/skip to whichever ending you need. 
> 
> I wrote this in a darker state of mind.
> 
> * * *

It wasn't that she was angry. Not exactly. Livid fit better.

She just thought that since she was a Spectre now that Hackett would actually date her. Romance. Someone to come back to when she fell apart. Not just the occasional frenzied fuck when they were around each other.

_Even if I were romantically interested in you, Commander, you are still Alliance._

He didn't even blink. That was the moment she realized she was nothing to him. She was just his toy. 

_Was_ being the key word. She'd told him in a not so gentle way to find another toy to use before leaving him with a view of her armored ass.

If he didn't want her, fine.

The Alliance grunt below her didn't seem to care about regulations though. She came with a silent shudder as the man below moaned through his release.

She quickly locked her armor into place and left the half-naked man where he lay trying to catch his breath. Stepping into the hall she ran into none other than the man she was angry with.

“See you later, Commander?” the Alliance grunt behind her asked.

Looking straight at Hackett she replied, “I no longer fuck the same person twice, kid.”

The door shut behind her and she shoved her way passed the Admiral. “Shepard,” he started, looking angry.

“It's _Spectre_ to you, Admiral,” she replied icily seeing the hurt as soon as it hit him. “I have a rogue Spectre to find, good day.”

The man shouldn't be allowed to look so good. It just angered her more. And it hurt, Gods it hurt so much.

“Spectre, in my office now,” Hackett commanded.

Shepard laughed, how could she not? “Sorry, Admiral, Council's orders.” A small little waggle of her fingers as she smirked just couldn’t be helped no matter how petty it was. She took her sweet time getting back to her ship while utterly enjoying the brand new memory of shock and disbelief on Hackett's face.

Decontamination was slow, as always. [Commander Shepard has the deck, XO Pressly stands relieved.]

“Joker, take off as soon as our last crew member is on board.” Shepard called before turning and walking down the walkway. His affirmative followed.

Her terminal was pinging as soon as she walked into her quarters.

_Incoming call from: Admiral Hackett._

“Shepard,” she answered as she began stripping and tossing armor onto her bed, acting like it was just another call. Technically, it was.

“Do you always give men a show when they call you, Spectre?” Hackett asked, his voice tired.

She snorted as she pulled on her fatigues. “Do you always get jealous over your former whores, Admiral?”

“I never said...Shep, Spectre,” he stuttered before rubbing his face with his hands, his sigh making her heart clinch. “I never meant to make you feel like that.”

“Right,” she said, unbelieving. “I think you've hurt me enough for one day. Now if you'll excuse me again, Admiral, I have a mission to prep.”

“Please be careful, Jane,” he whispered, looking utterly miserable as she disconnected the call.

Laying on her bed, she could feel the emotions trying to boil over. Sleeping with the first decent looking marine wasn't something she should've done. But it was done.

_[Commander, all crew is aboard.]_ Joker called over the intercom.

“Supplies?” she questioned.

_[Last supplies are being locked in place now.]_ Joker returned.

“Good. Have Garrus and Wrex come to my quarters for mission prep,” she ordered.

With the pilot's reply, Shepard pushed down her heartache and returned to her table scattered in intel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My loves, I am so terribly sorry for not updating sooner. We've got places selling, my house being fixed, school, sports, birthdays... It's insane over here. So much so I wish I wasn't the only author filling our Fandom with Hackett/FemShep pairings so I'd have something to read when I'm too tired to write haha.
> 
> As always, thank you for your continued support and a huge thanks to by betas, Melpomene21 and Crystal_Grace <3 You ladies are incredible and I'm grateful you enjoy my obsession as much as I do!
> 
> * * *

Months passed by. Some days longer than others. She'd gotten into the habit of declining Hackett's personal calls. She wasn't so unprofessional that she couldn't do the missions the Alliance needed her to do. Why Hackett insisted on giving her the missions personally? She didn't know. Maybe to make her heart ache more?

Currently, she was waiting on a few calls to her private terminal. Udina or Anderson was coming first, she knew. She was so damn tired she couldn't remember who else was supposed to contact her. And the datapad was over on the table. She should've left it on the desk.

So, she just rested her face against her hand as she waited. Calm, relaxed, and resting her eyes. That is, until her terminal beeped with an incoming call.

Without opening her eyes, she answered tiredly. “What?”

“Well,” started a very familiar voice, the sound making her throat ache in repressed emotions. “I didn't expect you to answer, so I don't know.” Hackett replied. “Are you okay?”

“Don't pretend to care,” she said with much less venom than she had wanted. She still hurt. It really sucked. She could be more mature about it, she supposed, but she didn't have the energy.

“Jane...” Hackett said, his voice low and sad.

“What do you want, Admiral?” Shepard asked, finally opening her eyes to the man before her. Gods she missed him. “I am beyond exhausted, battered and bruised. I want to sleep instead of sitting in front of this God forsaken terminal because Udina wants a personal report.” She inhaled to continue but he cut her off.

“What do you mean Udina wants a personal report?” Hackett asked, his voice turning hard. “Your missions are above his station.”

“Yeah,” she replied with a small smirk. “He really does hate it when I say 'It's classified'.” He looked pissed, she thought, as her small smiled faded. He was...

“I'll take care of it, Jane,” Hackett replied before he called out an order to his secretary. “Turn your terminal off and get some sleep. You need it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Shepard replied.

His face softened as he looked at her. “Come to Arcturus for a few days leave.”

“Can't. Pinnacle Station calls thy name,” she replied. “Goodnight, Admiral.”

“Wait,” he replied as she reached to end the call. “Just... leave the line open.”

What? “Why?” she asked.

He blinked several times before answering. She knew it would be a lie. “When I call to speak to Udina, I won't have to lie when I say you fell asleep during our call.”

She stared at him for a minute before giving up. It would be easy to hang up on him. Why he wanted her to stay on the line she didn't know. Maybe he just wanted a peep show? It's too bad for him that she was far too tired to even think about being sexy.

Quickly stripping, she paused in front of her desk to take the medication Chakwas had given her for the various cuts and bruises that covered her body. Hackett had a nice view of the healing scrape and bruise on her stomach. Gifted to her by a charging krogan. Yet, he said nothing. Only watching as she crawled into the very uncomfortable bed.

“Steven?” she said sleepily, instantly cursing herself for using his name.

“Yes, Jane?”

“This bed is fucking uncomfortable,” she replied as she closed her eyes.

His chuckle made her smile.

* * *

Pinnacle Station had been a blast and she won this glorious little apartment. The bed was a million times better than the one in her cabin.

The crew was currently enjoying some drunken poker back on the ship. Joker had been kind enough to drop her in the Mako so she could check out her new residence while the rest of the crew enjoyed some time without her. With Pressly and Chakwas keeping an eye on them, she knew they were in good hands.

The sun was setting on the sparse desert world and it was beautiful. Try as she might, she couldn’t keep her eyes open as the colors from the sunset moved and changed. Sleep crept in.

–

Something woke her.

Grabbing her pistol from the bedside table, she silently padded through the apartment to the double doors.

A shitty time to be caught without clothes. Especially since the armory was on the other side of the door she was approaching.

A shuttle was what woke her. Before the door opened to the shuttle, she quickly entered the small hall that contained her weapons. Positioning herself, she waited. She didn't have to wait long.

The door opened and before the intruder could do more than move in the building enough to have the door close behind them, she had her pistol to their temple.

“Jane,” the man said._Damn him._

Dropping her weapon, she relaxed. But before she could speak, he spun and disarmed her before pressing her against the cold metal wall. He moaned against her mouth when he discovered her state of undress. She couldn't stop the gasp and shudder.

Their lips met hungrily. The gun dropped to the floor as her hands tried and failed to unbutton his shirt. Growling her annoyance, she chose to rip it open. Buttons flew and moans emerged as skin met skin. Hackett's pants hit the floor with a dull thud as he lifted her easily.

A wanton moan left her throat as he pushed himself inside of her. It felt like her body was on fire and alive and so very thirsty. It was overwhelming.

Biting his lip, she silently begged for harsher treatment. He bit and scratched in return as his hips thrust hard against her.

It took very little effort, barely any to make her peak with him. He knew what she needed. And he didn't disappoint. She came with a cry as her blunted nails dug into his shoulders. His climax wasn't far behind.

Their tongues clashed as he spilled himself inside of her.

It would be several minutes before their breathing calmed and Hackett put her back down onto the floor. Shepard was silently cursing herself for her weakness for the man when he startled her out of her thoughts by breaking the sudden silence.

“How am I supposed to get back to my quarters without buttons?” Hackett mused.

Well, she hadn't thought it through. “Lights twenty percent,” she said. Picking up her gun, she refused to meet his eyes as he buttoned his pants. She could hear his footfalls behind her as she made her way to the lone closet. Grabbing one of the button up shirts Ahern left behind, Shepard tossed it to Hackett.

He said nothing as he tossed his button-less shirt on her bed and redressed in another man's clothes. Only when he was finished dressing did he speak again and present her with a gift. “Housewarming gift,” he said as he handed it over. Before she could open it, he swept her up in another kiss before taking his leave with a smirk on his face.

Sometimes she really disliked him, in a heart-fluttering-butterflies-in-her-stomach-soul-consuming kind of way. Shaking her head as the door closed behind him, she opened the gift. Then burst into laughter.

It was a bronze figure of the Admiral himself. And next to it, one of her. Why the Alliance sold such things, she didn’t know. But people bought them. The Commander Shepard action figure was wildly popular amongst children. But these, these were meant as book stops. Books really didn’t exist anymore, hell, Shepard only had a few from her childhood. Now everything was datapads. That told her that these bronze figures were aimed toward the more wealthy humans. And now her, she supposed.

Placing them on her desk, she turned to the bed and grabbed Hackett’s ruined shirt. There was no way she was going to spend two hours to poorly sew buttons back on. Instead, she draped it over the chair and returned to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

It had taken a month to make their way back to Arcturus. They needed supplies and the Hierarchy had been kind enough to have supplies for Garrus sent to Arcturus for the Normandy to load. Shepard was a little surprised, but Garrus had thought they were wanting the well-known turian spectre brought down as soon as possible. Shepard wouldn’t complain. It meant one less stop.

While human leadership had yet to get the proper clearance for spectre grade weapons, Shepard still needed to drop by requisitions with her supply officer to make sure he was getting a good deal. He could sell her spectre weapons, but he needed more access for equipping alien customers. While the Alliance didn’t carry turian, quarian, or krogan armor, it didn’t mean that there wasn’t some stashed somewhere in someone’s personal supply.

Once her crew was cleared, Shepard left the ship with her non-human crew and requisitions officer. Today would be the first day in a month that the crew got some leave. Shepard had been working them hard.

There were whispers and looks as they passed through the docking bay and security.

“No weapons,” the guard said.

“Spectre clearance,” Shepard returned, but the woman wasn’t looking at her, she was looking at Wrex. “Wrex? Can you stay out of trouble with that?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“As I said, Spectre clearance,” Shepard said to the guard before moving to pass through the door.

“You can’t…” the guard started.

Shepard sighed, there was too much on her to-do list to deal with this shit. “That shotgun is spectre grade. You don’t have the clearance to so much as look at it,” Shepard informed the wide-eyed guard. “As a Spectre, I can vouch for my squadmate. He’s more than earned my trust.”

“You’re going to make me all warm and fuzzy inside, Shepard,” Wrex joked.

Shepard chuckled before motioning her squad to move. “Let’s head to the armory.”

The armory was led by a big, burly woman that went by Master Bertha, though Bertha wasn’t her name. She was bulky, stout, and Shepard knew from experience that she had one hell of an uppercut.

“Shepard! My favorite marine!” Bertha said loudly as they entered the large armory.

“My favorite Bertha!” Shepard replied with affection. The woman was old enough to be her mother. “Meet my non-human squadmates. Tali, Garrus, and Wrex.”

“Nice to meet you, and you especially Tali. My first quarian!” Master Bertha said excitedly, making Tali laugh softly.

“This is Master Bertha, head of the armory. She can guide you to the person that best suits what you’re looking for,” Shepard informed her crew. “Since your weapons are new, I won’t be replacing them any time soon.”

“You buy their weapons?” Bertha asked, surprised.

“Yes, weapons and armor. Any extras are their cost,” Shepard answered.

“I’m retiring to join your team, Shepard,” Bertha joked as she slapped Shepard’s requisition officer on the back, scaring the man.

Shepard laughed, knowing the woman lived and breathed her job here. “Alan here needs bigger stock for my non-humans, if you have any officers with alien items.”

“Got ya covered,” she replied. “I actually carry a pretty large assortment of various non-human armor. And a few asari specific items.”

Liara currently had her blue nose buried in a prothean data disk they’d recovered on their way here. Nothing existed outside of that until she was finished.

Taking a seat next to a big buffed up human, Shepard sat and waited for her crew to finish their shopping. They’d earned a lot of credits in the last month thanks to all their mining. Even her Alliance crew got a nice little bonus for participating. Hours were logged and each person paid accordingly. Shepard had to set up a new bank account just for the credits they’d acquired. Joker made the most, naturally. He rarely left the helm.

It took a few hours, but once they had bought everything they wanted, and Alan had his stock being delivered to the Normandy, Shepard said her goodbyes and led her crew back to the docking bay.

“No weapons for shore leave, guys,” Shepard said before she parted ways. “And please make sure you two specify dextro.”

Now, the part she dreaded. Trying to muscle a new mattress out of the supply office. She was tired of waking up sore from the hard bed. How the hell did Anderson sleep on it?

“How can I help you?” the woman behind the counter said as soon as Shepard entered.

“I need the best queen size mattress you have,” Shepard replied.

“Rank, please.”

“Commander,” Shepard replied.

“Name?”

“Jane Shepard,” she returned.

“Thank you, now I just need your fingerprint to confirm,” the woman stated as she pointed to a small sensor.

“Okay,” she replied as her finger was scanned.

“Oh, looks like you already have one out for delivery,” the woman stated with raised brows. “It should be on your ship in the next hour.”

“Does it say who ordered it?” Shepard asked. She hadn’t had time to put in an order.

“It looks like Admiral Hackett ordered it a month ago, it’s been in holding until you docked here,” the woman replied with a smile.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Shepard said. “I can finally get some damn sleep!”

The woman chuckled as she exited out of the information. “I can’t tell you how often I hear that. You’d think they’d put better beds in the Captain’s cabin.”

“They really should,” Shepard agreed. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome, Commander,” the woman returned as Shepard left.

It was going to be so good to be able to sleep on a softer bed tonight. She practically skipped back to the _Normandy_. There was a bar calling her name, and hopefully, someone to fuck her silly. Hackett was a weakness she didn’t want to get wrapped back up in.

When she entered her quarters, her new mattress was in place. Perhaps it was childish, but she couldn’t resist the urge to leap on it. It was glorious. She moaned with delight as the foam sank and melded to her body like a cloud.

If it wasn’t for the bar she was going to with Ashley, and a few other women, she’d go to sleep right now. She really, really wanted to go see Hackett. But she didn’t want to fall back into the routine of being his bedmate and nothing more. It was more than her heart could take.

_And speaking of the handsome devil_, she thought as her terminal lit up with his name. With a groan, she stood from the bed and moved to her desk. “Shepard.”

“Spectre, I’m glad to see your mattress has made it to your cabin,” Hackett said in greeting.

“Yeah,” she replied as she sat in the chair. “Thanks for that.”

_[Hey, Shepard,]_ Ashley said over the intercom.

“Ash,” Shepard replied.

_[Did you find the outfit I left on your desk?]_

“That what this is? I thought it was scraps of cloth,” Shepard answered as she held up the shiny, tiny top.

Ashley laughed, _[Make sure you wear it tonight, and the skirt too, no arguments.]_

“Ash, I don’t need this outfit to get laid,” Shepard replied glaring at the equally tiny skirt.

_[It’s called a ‘Fuck Me’ outfit, Shep. Just wear it and meet me at the airlock in twenty.]_

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am,” Shepard muttered as Ashley laughed and closed the comm.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, she stood and began to strip.

“In for a fun night, Shepard?” Hackett asked, his voice tight.

“I doubt it’ll be fun trying to keep my ass from hanging out of this skirt. If it can be called a skirt,” she muttered. Quickly pulling on the clothing Ashley had left for her, she gave Hackett a spin. “Well? How bad is it?”

Hackett hummed, his hands joining at his chin like he was giving it serious thought. “Pull some hair back on one side and lose the tags.”

It was easy to forget the dogtags since they felt like a second skin.

“Where is your crew drinking tonight?” Hackett asked.

“The Admiral’s Knife,” Shepard replied. It was one of the only bars on station that had dextro alcohol and a no rank attitude. Unless trouble started of course, but from what Shepard heard, it was a loud bar that the military folks seemed to highly recommend.

Quickly touching up her liner and lip gloss, she pulled some hair up and pinned it in place.

“Perfect,” Hackett replied huskily.

Don’t go there Shepard, he will break your soul this time. “I’ve gotta run, Admiral. Thanks again for the mattress,” she said before quickly ending the call and taking a deep breath.

* * *

_I absolutely regret wearing this so-called outfit_, she thought as she pulled the skirt down for a millionth time. Ashley had already found her someone to go home with, leaving Shepard behind with excitement in her brown eyes. That grunt had no idea what he’d gotten himself into. _Ashley is going to break him_, Shepard thought with amusement.

Wrex was currently in a drinking contest with someone named Vega. Poor guy was going to regret challenging the krogan. Garrus looked like he was hitting it off with a little blonde. And Tali, somehow, got recruited to help the bar owner update his tech system. Liara had yet to show up, but that wasn’t surprising. Even Kaidan was flirting with a handsome brown eyed man at the other end of the bar. The rest of her crew was scattered across the tavern, drinking and flirting, or hustling at pool.

Shepard had already turned down a few invitations to bed. One was from an overly drunk man who had to be carried out by his buddies. Another was from a kid that had just turned nineteen. Shepard didn’t want to terrify him, nor did she want to be puked on. And he had looked a little green.

Returning her attention to the grunt next to her, she pretended to listen to his story. “Listen, I’m not going home with you, but there is a pretty brunette over there that has had her eye on you all night,” Shepard said discreetly pointing to a table behind the young man. There must be a new wave of kids fresh from basic.

“Really?”

“Yes really. Her name is Cynthia,” Shepard replied as the man looked towards the table.

“Thanks!” he replied as he grabbed his beer and made a beeline for the table.

Shepard nodded when Cynthia gave her a smile. She was a sweet young girl that Shepard was proud to serve with on the _Normandy_.

Turning back to the bar to order another drink, the barkeep placed a glass of amber liquid in front of her. “From the man in the corner,” he said with a nod to her right.

She downed the shot before looking back at the bartender, “Bring us another round.”

Whiskey, her favorite brand. And very few people knew that. Standing, she made her way to his table. And of course, it was in a dark corner that offered a view of the entire bar. She scooted into the booth and greeted him, “Admiral.”

“There are no ranks here, Jane,” he replied as he pressed his thigh against hers.

The man looked amazing in jeans and a tee shirt. In fact, she couldn’t remember a time ever seeing him out of a uniform. And damn it if it didn’t send heat straight to her core. “Come to watch me turn away fresh grunts?”

“No, but I won’t say it hasn’t been enjoyable to watch,” he replied as he moved his arm behind her head, resting it on the top of the booth.

“Hmm,” she said before taking a sip of the whiskey that appeared in front of her. She sucked in a breath when Hackett turned toward her, his fingers grazing her bare knee as they slowly moved up.

“I will have to agree with Williams about this outfit, Jane,” he whispered against her ear. “It definitely screams _fuck me_.” She whimpered when he lifted her leg and placed it over his, spreading her legs as his hand returned to make its way up her thigh.

“Steven,” she whispered, in warning or desire she wasn’t sure. But his chuckle made her shiver as sparks flew down her spine.

“You have to stay quiet, Jane,” he whispered as his fingers grazed her panties. “Wouldn’t want people thinking we’re doing anything more than having a private conversation now would we?” He asked, his fingers easily pushing her undergarment aside.

She shuddered when he touched her, her lungs expanding as she sucked in a breath. Grunting when his rough, calloused fingers parted her lips and dipped in between them.

“Already soaked for me, I see,” he said with a nip to her ear.

Of course she was, how could she not be?

“You’re going to cum for me, silently, then I’m going to take you back to the _Normandy_ and fuck you into your new mattress,” he told her before pushing two fingers inside of her, his thumb circling her clit. “Not one sound, Jane.”

Giving him a nod, she gripped the hand that was squeezing her shoulder. It wasn’t fair how easily he could manipulate her body, how quickly he could build her orgasm, she thought, as the first waves hit her hard. She bit her lip as her head fell back against his arm, her hips moving against his fingers as the pleasure washed over her. She knew the forced silence made the orgasm feel stronger.

“That’s my girl,” Hackett said as her pleasure faded. Gently removing his fingers, he brought them to his mouth and licked them clean. “Taste as good as I remember.”

Shepard could only stare as she tried to calm her heart rate.

“Finish your whiskey so we can leave,” Hackett commanded easily.

“Done,” she replied roughly, the whiskey leaving a comforting burning sensation in her throat.

He chuckled deeply, but stood as he grabbed his jacket. As soon as she stood before him, he placed his jacket on her shoulders.

A bonus about screwing the Admiral was how well he knew his station. He guided her through back alleys and cut through storage rooms before coming to the docking bay in record time. With just a skeleton crew, there were very few people, most of which were at the security area. Shepard might have had a problem with that if Hackett hadn’t needed an encryption key to get through the last few storage rooms. Unless he hacked it. She wasn’t sure, she’d been too busy staring at how well his ass filled out his jeans.

There was no one on board the CIC. Even Joker had gone out for shore leave. Likely just to eat.

The closer she got to her quarters, the faster her heart thudded in her chest. Peeking out to the mess hall, she tugged his hand to give him the all clear before they walked hastily to her quarters.

As soon as the door shut, his hands were yanking the skirt up, lips on her neck, fingers pushing her panties down. She had to try three times to lock the door and activate the sound proof barrier. Turning in his arms, her mouth was immediately assaulted. Their moans mingled with each other as their hands desperately tried to remove clothes. Her heels were the easiest since they slipped off. But it was his growl that made her laugh as he tried to figure out how to remove her top.

“Take it all off, now,” he demanded as he kicked off his shoes and unbuckled his jeans.

She stripped quickly, his jeans being kicked to the side as her clothes hit the floor. Then he was on her again, his tongue demanding entry into her mouth. Shepard walked him backwards towards the bed before she shoved him down, his eyes hungry with need.

Unable to wait, she mounted her prey and sank down on him, her sigh drowned out by his moan. “Jane,” he begged as he tried to thrust up into her, his hands tightly clenching her hips.

Denying him was impossible.

Leaning down to take his lips, she began to move her hips back and forth, his moans vibrating her tongue as his hands grabbed her ass, forcing her to move faster. Then he was wrapping his arms around her, holding her in place as his hips jerked into her, his groan telling her he’d already found his release inside of her.

They fell asleep after that, sated and exhausted. Much to Shepard’s enjoyment, he awakened her to fuck her into the bed, as promised, before he left.

It was the first night she finally found comfortable and restful sleep in her cabin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small poem my own, please do not use.

It wasn’t fair how easily he could pull her in. She began picking up supplies on the Citadel just to avoid seeing him. Surely he had to know she cared for him. And maybe he didn’t, Shepard didn’t know anymore. The only thing she did know was that she had to stay away from him.

Shepard went back to ignoring his calls on her private terminal. Then reading and not responding to his messages.

But he found her, like he always did. This time in a hotel under an assumed name so she could get a break from all the attention after Kaidan died. He slipped into her room and seduced her as easily as he had at the bar. He didn’t stay, he never did. Show up, fuck, disappear. It would never change. She thought maybe that was what hurt most.

It left her feeling empty... To love someone that didn’t care.

Before she knew it, they were crashing the Mako into the Presidium Tower. It was chaos for a good two weeks after that. Even more so when she found out she was pregnant.

Doctor Chakwas could only assume it had been the beacon on Eden Prime and again on Virmire that made her birth control obsolete. Shepard had begged her to keep it out of her medical file. The doctor agreed...eventually.

So now she wasn’t only in love with a man that didn’t do commitment, she was pregnant with his child. She kept the news to herself, citing she was just tired from all the stress being lifted. And the crew took her explanation. They believed her because they trusted her. They all carried on to clear pockets of Geth and investigate missing ships while she debated on what the hell to do.

But even as the air left her armor and the _Normandy_ burned with the stars, she could only feel calm as she suffocated. 

Acceptance. 

Defeat. 

A tear slipped free for what could have been and sob for what the child inside her might’ve become.

A shaky exhale for what never would be.

A small bloody smile for freedom as darkness closed in.

_ **Echoes of laughter and flashes of toothless grins. Startled chokes and sobbing screams. Bloody hands and haunted dreams. Laying broken at the seams. ** _

_“She’s just a child! How can anyone rape a child?!”_

_“Evil men don’t care of such things, Sister Mary. We must prevent a child carrying a child. Call the nurse back in.” They thought she slept, but who could sleep after such a nightmare._

_ **Let them come from darkened spaces, to try to kill you as you sin. They hunt you with their drunken schemes. They recruit and they partner with other teams. But not all is as it seems.** _

_“Stop, Red. That one paid a lot for a dance,” she growled._

_“You’re funeral, Shep. We’re just trying to protect you from the South Road Gang.” They couldn’t break the broken, she thought. “Alliance is always bad news.”_

_ **Your lips are stained a crimson red, blood that trickles from the painful grins surely gives you a fallen angel’s gleam.** _

_“Butcher! Whore! Murderer!” Torfan._

_ **You race and you race but many still fall. One day you will learn that the broken can’t save them all. Echoes of laughter and haunted screams. They’re not yours this time, but the tears still stream.** _

_ **Darkness reigns, feathers singed. Now you must wait until the dawn begins.** _

_   
_

_ "Miranda, she's reacting to outside stimuli!" _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to apologize for delay in update. It has been so crazy busy here and I took another job that has left me so bone tired on top of single-parent-hood. On the plus side, my house is almost completely repaired from the tree fiasco in May. Gotta take the good and the bad. Much love to you all <3
> 
> * * *

Being dead surely would have taken her emotional pain. But it didn’t. If anything, it made it worse. Her child gone, never given a chance. And Cerberus. _Fucking Cerberus. Ugh._

It was easy to ignore the inquiring Miranda and surprising when Jacob, the Cerberus lackey, took up for her when Shepard refused to reply. But she paid them no mind. She gave the Illusive Man the same treatment, much to his displeasure.

Then there was Tali, her sweet innocent friend, grown up and leading a crew of her own. Shepard adored that kid.

After returning to the ship, she cut the sleeves off of her uniforms, effectively removing the damn patch before gluing a piece of the scrap fabric over the ink on the top. There was no privacy here, even if they acted like they were giving it to her. She wasn’t stupid. She knew there were bugs in her cabin. Then there was the AI. But Joker was there, and Chakwas.

Ignoring the Cerberus crew was easy. They were terrified of her, so they stayed well out of her path. She slept in the copilots chair knowing Joker would wake her if someone were coming. Or she’d rest her head in the medbay during the day cycle.

At least until they got Garrus on board. With him on his feet, he, Zaeed, and Mordin went through her entire cabin. It took them six hours and fifteen full scans to find them all. Shepard returned them to Miranda. The raven haired woman had the audacity to look apologetic.

Garrus and Zaeed took turns scanning her cabin daily. Until they picked up Kasumi, who made herself part of the scanning team. Shepard appreciated their commitment to her privacy.

Knowing her terminal was constantly watched, she could do nothing but read incoming mail.

None of the crew said anything about her lack of speech. She didn’t even know if she had a voice simply because she hadn’t had the strength to use it. She was afraid to crumble once she opened her mouth. Afraid every overwhelming thing she was feeling would spill before her and bare just how horribly broken she truly was.

Shepard didn’t know how long she continued like this. Time had no meaning. Before she realized it, she had a full squad.

It was Alchera that broke the wall inside of her. The wall that kept everything out and everything in. Walking the wreckage to collect the tags of her fallen family. There weren’t any bodies left. None. Just charred tags. By the time she collected them all, the weight of them pulled her to her knees in front of the memorial.

She screamed, her voice breaking and rough. She screamed and sobbed at the unfairness of it until there was no sound left to pour from her mouth. Only tears fell as she mourned her family. As she mourned her child. Why couldn’t they just let her rest? Why make her live without them?

It was Garrus that came down to get her as she cried, the tags heavy as they dangled silently on her arm while he led her back to the shuttle. It was Garrus that told her he was sorry for her loss. He’d known. He’d always known. It was utterly baffling to love something so much especially when you hadn’t known it was there for weeks. But Shepard had. Shepard did. She had loved that unborn child so much more than she ever loved anything.

It was Chakwas that held her in her cabin as she continued to weep. It was Chakwas that helped her bathe and dress. To eat and to drink. It was Chakwas that spoke to her with the love and compassion a mother should have. That Shepard didn’t have.

The people that had been with her before Cerberus said nothing when Shepard spoke for the first time. They talked and joked with her like she’d never lost her voice. The crew quickly following their lead.

When Liara became their Shadow Broker, Shepard learned that Hackett had ended up in an actual relationship. Complete with a holo of the pair. Liara held her as she mourned again. She should’ve known he never loved her. Of course he hadn’t.

Outside of the ship, she didn’t speak. She didn’t stop for interviews and she didn’t pause for autographs. Instead, she worked hard for her crew by taking care of their needs. Until Tali’s need came. Then she was forced to speak on her friend’s behalf.

By the time everyone’s immediate needs had been met, she had a happy and prepared crew.

They were two hours out from the Omega relay when Miranda asked for entrance into her quarters. Shepard let her in, curious to what could have the woman come to the first deck. Instead of mission prep or something similar like she expected, Miranda burst into tears.

Apologies poured from her full lips for being unable to restore Shepard’s unborn baby but making sure Shepard knew that Miranda never told a soul about the baby. The Illusive Man had trusted her, and she used that trust to try to clone a baby from the remains. But it failed. One billion credits poured into a baby that failed to clone. Shepard was glad. She didn’t want her child being a shadow of itself.

Shepard reassured Miranda and accepted her apology. There was nothing to apologize for in Shepard’s mind.

Before she could leave and follow Miranda, she had a high priority call from Hackett. He still looked as perfect as he had the last time she saw him. 

“I know you have someone else now, get them to take care of your precious missions,” she told him roughly.

[I thought you were Alliance?]

“The Alliance turned its back on me. Cast aside as usual,” then she hung up on him not caring whether or not he caught the meaning of her reply.

It didn’t matter, they were off to kick some ass.

When they came back through the Omega 4, they were immediately hailed by Alliance for confirmation. Shepard gave Joker permission to let them know human colonies were safe again. But there were no survivors. The rest was classified. How Shepard, and Joker, loved to use that word.

It was Anderson she went to asking him to make her an offer. And he did, he always came through. They’d be heading to Earth once they dropped off the crew that wanted dropping off. Shepard’s fancy new ship was going to get a makeover while select crew were going to get their people ready for the coming war.

That was when they heard of the batarian system being obliterated when its mass relay exploded. There were no witnesses or survivors.

With her Cerberus crew being scattered inside the Alliance for their own safety, Shepard began the process of choosing her new crew. Which is what had her nose deep in datapads when her terminal pinged with an incoming call.

“Shepard,” she answered.

[Jane,] she heard a familiar voice whisper.

After all this time, a single word from his lips made her heart flutter and ache simultaneously.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it seriously been this long since I've updated? Jeez, I feel awful. It's been insane here. My eldest and all the things that comes with being a Senior (recently voted as Most Athletic and given a spotlight in a local magazine). She has been accepted into a nearby college and attends volleyball tryouts next week. My house is finally coming together though I'm still living in chaos.
> 
> Anyway, controlled chaos reigns. And now I shall finish this fic with a doubt update because I love you guys <3
> 
> * * *

“What do you want, Admiral?” she asked, not bothering to look up from her datapads. It would hurt too much.

[I didn’t think you’d answer…]

“If I’d bothered to see who was calling I wouldn’t have. Don’t you have a wife to entertain?” She asked him as she approved a Steve Cortez for her crew.

[No,] he replied roughly.

“What do you want?” she asked as her anger flared.

[Are you busy later?]

“Yes. And I don’t date, fuck, or get used by attached men. Good day, Admiral,” she told him before disconnecting the call. And just to clarify, she sent Hackett the information the Shadow Broker had stored. Nice try Admiral Hotstuff.

She was bitter still. She couldn’t help it. And stressed but she was afraid to go find a fuck buddy. Who knew if her birth control would be effective? There was too much for her to do anyway.

After approving a few more crew, she left to go restock on clothing. She needed everything to replace what she’d lost when the SR1 went down. A real meal might do her good, too.

When she entered a packed café, she found a lone seat next to a bruised and beefed up human she vaguely remembered. “Hey, human-krogan, mind if I sit here?”

“No, Commander,” he told her with a smirk. “But only if you pretend to be my gal.”

“Not gonna happen,” she replied with a wink before taking the seat. They ate and conversed as the diner slowly started to empty. “What’s your specialty?” She asked him.

“Armory,” he replied instantly. “Names Vega.”

“Shepard,” she returned. “Interested in a transfer to the _Normandy_?”

“Mierda, si!” He said with a big smile. “Gracias, Lola.”

“Lola? Better than sweet thing, so I’ll take it,” she told him with a smirk.

With one more thing off of her mile long to-do list, she moved on to stock her closet. Once that was done and set to deliver by the end of the day, she figured she might as well go see what the civilians sold in the way of clouds to sleep on. Her current mattress wasn’t awful, but it could be better.

“Get spoiled with your last one?” A familiar voice asked behind her. Even his reflection made her heart flutter.

“Something like that,” she replied evenly.

Hackett said nothing as he followed her around the store while she just tried different mattresses.

“Can I help you?” a clerk asked.

“I want this one, king size and delivered to my ship before nightfall,” Shepard told her.

“Of course! But it does cost extra for same day delivery.”

Shepard snorted, “I don’t care.” Before she could pay and sign the sales slip, Hackett had done it for her. “I can’t be bought,” she told him as they left the store.

“Never said you could, Jane,” he replied softly.

It was hard to ignore him. Especially since he wore those damn jeans again. But she did her best as she walked into a linen store.

“Hello! Is there anything I can help you find today?”

“I’d like fifteen hundred thread count, Egyptian cotton king size bedding. An entire set,” Shepard told her.

The woman’s eyes got huge before she replied, “Ma’am those are two thousand credits, not including the comforter.”

“I’ll take it,” Shepard told her. When the woman didn’t move Shepard sighed. “I run highly classified Ops all day long. I want to sleep like a queen.”

“Of course, I thought you looked familiar!” The woman replied excitedly. “What color?”

“Anything but white. Same with a comforter, just choose one for me.”

“You want to sleep like a queen?” Hackett asked quietly as the woman dug through the inventory.

“Shut up,” Shepard told him none-too-gently. “I ask for very little, if I want to sleep like a fucking queen in insanely high priced bedding then I will do so.”

“You just had regulation bedding on the original _Normandy_.”

“I’m not going to die again before I get to sleep on a puffy cloud,” she replied evenly.

Shepard paid the hefty three thousand credits and made Hackett carry the bags since he was shadowing her. Next stop, a new tattoo. It hadn’t been on her list originally, but she was curious to see how long it would take for the man to leave.

“What can I do for you today?” The huge bearded tattoo artist asked her.

Shepard held out her wrist, “I want a tree sprout here. And under it I want _  
Cuimhneacháin_ spelled exactly as I tell you.”

“Ta, Lass,” he replied gently. He knew exactly what she said. It was a relief, really. Having an Irishman ink the word onto her skin. “Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine,” he whispered to himself.

To her surprise Hackett stayed, putting the bags between his feet as he waited for her to be done. The man offered her a small prayer as he finished. And it was beautiful. Perfection. So much detail in such a small tattoo. Shepard smiled and kissed his cheek before leaving him a hefty tip.

“What’s the tattoo for?” Hackett asked as soon as they were outside.

“Not something I’m willing to talk about,” she replied before taking her bags from him. “Have a nice day, Admiral.”

“Jane…”

“I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with whatever is about to come out of your mouth,” she whispered roughly, her voice cracking as emotions threatened to push forward. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”

“You need a break,” he told her as he took the bags from her.

“The Reapers could care less about rest.” His being there annoyed her. Not because he wasn’t unwelcome but because after all this time she still loved him. She would probably always love him. It didn’t matter anymore, not with the Reapers coming. She’d likely not survive anyway. Taking the bags back she finally looked up at him. “You should go be with Priscilla before they get here.”

It was hard leaving him there while he was too stunned to say anything as she walked back toward the ship. Instead of breaking down and letting the heartache consume her again, she focused on the sting of the tattoo. She didn’t know how much time there was left before the war began, but she needed to be ready.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NOTES:**  
Cuimhneacháin: Remembrance  
Ta: Yes  
Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine.: Under the shelter of each other, people survive.


	7. Chapter 7

As soon as communications started going dark in batarian space, Shepard and crew took off to find Liara at the facility on Mars. Against her better judgement, she left David behind to lead people on the ground as civilians were being evacuated.

It wasn’t enough time, but it was all they had. She really hoped Anderson was able to stock emergency caches throughout the world as he said he would.

Her first message as they fled Earth was to Garrus, and then the rest of her old crew and squad. With Garrus’ new rank, she knew he would have the turians as prepared as they could be.

* * *

Sleep was rare to enjoy especially since she was being thrown from one end of the galaxy to another to gather allies and complete missions. But her bed was amazing. Definitely worth the credits.

When her terminal pinged just as she began to drift off, she groaned telling herself to ignore it. Instead, she clumsily answered on her omnitool. It was war time and there was no such luxury as ignoring any communication.

“What,” she said grumpily.

[Jane…]

Not this again. Not when she was desperate to remember the scent of his aftershave. “Admiral.”

[Did I wake you?]

“Might as well have,” she replied sleepily. “What do you want?”

[I just wanted to see you,] he said softly. [I…] He groaned and rubbed his hands across his face. [It’s so hard to talk to you.] She said nothing as she waited. What could she say to that? Everything she had to say was bitter, and she was just too damn tired for that. [When are you going to be on the Citadel?]

She snorted, “How the hell should I know? I’ve been awake for twenty-seven hours, most of which was on the battlefield. Ask EDI.”

[I will,] he replied. [Will you leave the line open?]

“Why?” She asked him as her body slowly relaxed into the bed again.

[So I can watch you fall asleep.]

She was too tired to move as it was. Especially since the bed had already so wonderfully surrounded her. “Steven,” she whispered.

[Yes, Jane?]

“Bed’s amazing,” she said, her tired smile making him chuckle as sleep took her.

* * *

The Silversun Strip arena was a far cry from Pinnacle Station, especially not hearing Ahern yelling at her. But it was a blast nonetheless. The crowd roared as they exited the arena floor. It was a nice change from the gore that covered their armor after battles.

The apartment David gave her was fancy. Almost too fancy. She felt like she would break something if she breathed, which was silly she knew. Growing up in the streets really didn’t train her in how to _live_ in such nice places.

Being worn out was becoming a regular occurrence. But she didn’t complain. It wouldn’t make the war go away. Killing herself, her clone, was…insane. Definitely not anything on her bucket list. She never bothered to make one, but killing one’s clone wouldn’t be on anyone’s list.

The bed wasn’t anything to get excited about in the master bedroom. David must prefer the harder mattresses. But her body didn’t care right this minute. Not with hers so wonderfully tired from the last few days events. With a quiet sigh, she stripped and let sleep claim her.

* * *

The familiar scent of aftershave made her shudder as she automatically reached for the source. Her moan filled his mouth as she tasted him. Her clumsy hands pushing his pants down before he thrust himself inside of her.

His mouth on her neck as she cried out at the intrusion.

Her legs wrapping around his hips as they pumped roughly into her.

Tears falling as she finally, _finally_, had him inside of her again.

Then white hot bliss as her back arched off the bed. His moans of pleasure making her whimper as he filled her.

Followed by whispered farewells.

Forever goodbyes.

* * *

Hours before they took the Cerberus base, she found out her birth control failed. Again. Whether it was her or that Hackett had magical sperm, Shepard didn’t know. It didn’t matter anyway. She hadn’t seen or heard from him since that night in her apartment.

The war wasn’t going to stop because she was scared. It wasn’t going to stop because of the baby growing inside of her. It wasn’t going to stop unless she made it stop. Doctor Chakwas agreed with a sad smile. Shepard allowed it to be put in her medical file in case something happened to her and Karin wasn’t the one treating Shepard. Chakwas was always optimistic.

Shepard, less so.

When Hackett came to address the fleets, Shepard said nothing. Before he could finish, she disappeared into her cabin.

But that didn’t stop him from seeking her out. She didn’t know why she thought it would.

“Jane,” he whispered as he entered the loft.

She didn’t bother moving away from the glow of the fish tank or even look his direction. “What is it, Admiral?” She asked tiredly. Growing a baby and fighting a war was hard, but it was almost over. For better or worse.

“What does the tattoo represent?” He asked, his voice thick.

She snorted without humor. “I guess you read my medical file then.”

“Yes.”

“It represents the child that was growing inside of me when I died,” she told him, her voice stronger than she felt. “And it will be for the one that dies with me tomorrow.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Don’t try to pretend you care about me, Steven. I made my feelings known years ago and, against my better judgement, fell back into bed with you after your rejection,” she told him evenly. “Please leave, I have to prep my team.”

“Jane, please…”

“No,” she said through gritted teeth and faced him angrily. “I don’t get to sit by and watch people die. I have to be down there and you damned well know it.” She took a calming breath before turning her back to him. “Go say your goodbyes to Priscilla, Steven. It could be your last.”

“There hasn’t been a ‘me and Priscilla’ since I heard the rumors of your survival,” he told her softly. “Look at me.”

“Goodbye, Steven. Now leave.”

And he did. He always did. But she couldn’t let it hurt her. It was too late for that.


	8. ANGST ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is this ANGSTY ending! Click the next chapter for the happier ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **FINAL WARNING: ANGST ENDING!!!**

[Shepard!]

The voice came through, familiar, but painful. “I’m here,” she wheezed. “Not looking good for me, David’s bleeding out…”

[Jane,] he said roughly.

“But I can finally be free,” she whispered as she limped forward, each step harder than the last.

[I need you to hang on, Shepard. People are coming.]

“Sorry, Admiral,” she whispered as she rose her weapon. “I never could follow your orders.”

[Please,] He begged her.

“Never stopped loving you, even in death,” she breathed before repeatedly firing her pistol. The force of the explosion threw her backwards as the red began to light up before her eyes, nearly blinding her with its brightness. She’d done it. “Mission complete, evacuate,” she grunted through the pain.

[No, I’m not leaving!]

She laughed, her rough voice cracking. “You always leave. This time should be no different.”

A pained scream left her as the waves of red flowed over her body. She could hear voices, but the light began to fade in her eyes. Her optical cybernetics were failing. All that was left were shadows as they lifted her from the ground.

It was too late for her, she knew it. She could feel it. It was the same feeling she had over Alchera. _Finality._

But the doctors worked hard trying to raise her stats. She could hear them, she hadn’t lost that yet. But she would. Her cybernetics were going haywire inside of her body making the doctor’s work useless. She had been part reaper. It was an eventuality she’d accepted long ago. Before Earth was invaded. Before the life within her was a thought...

“My baby?” she whispered when the doctor asked if she was in pain.

“I’m sorry, Commander, there are no life signs in your womb,” he said gently. Of course there wasn’t. Another child gone, another life taken too soon. Perhaps it was her punishment for not saving enough lives. For not ending the war sooner. “There’s nothing we can do but make you comfortable,” the doctor told her gently, his shadow close enough to touch if she could move.

“I understand,” she replied, her voice strong while her heart shattered. “Make sure my crew knows it was an honor to serve next to them and to lead them through hell... That I love them,” she finished emotionally.

“I will, Commander,” came his reply.

“Jane,” a rough voice called. “Move, damn it!”

This man, the man she’d loved for so long. He would move on without her just as he’d done last time. With the darkness creeping in, shadows turning into blackness, she could only wish him the best. So many regrets, but it was too late to fix them. Too late to tell him she was sorry, too late to tell him she wished they could have had the family she’d dreamed of.

“Steven,” she whispered as her body slowly relaxed into the bed. She could feel her heart slowing, her lungs straining to inhale.

“Yes, Jane?” he said, his voice thick.

“This bed could be softer,” she said softly, his choked sob the last thing she heard as she let the sea claim her for the final time with the smell of battle and aftershave in the air.

-  
Fin


	9. HAPPY ENDING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I lied. Triple update to finish in case life gets crazy again. Much love to you all <3 Thank you for your continued support! Lastly, huge thanks To Mel and Grace for being my beta's for this fic. I really, truly appreciate you beautiful ladies!
> 
> Enjoy the super sugary, toothache inducing Happy ending!
> 
> * * *

[Shepard!]

The voice came through, familiar, but painful. “I’m here,” she wheezed. “Not looking good for me, David’s bleeding out…”

[Jane,] he said roughly.

“But I can finally be free,” she whispered as she limped forward, each step harder than the last.

[I need you to hang on, Shepard. People are coming.]

“Sorry, Admiral,” she whispered as she rose her weapon. “I never could follow your orders.”

[Please,] He begged her.

“Never stopped loving you, even in death,” she breathed before repeatedly firing her pistol. The force of the explosion threw her backward as the red began to light up the space around her, nearly blinding in its intensity. She’d done it. “Mission complete, evacuate,” she said through the pain.

[No, I’m not leaving!]

She laughed, her rough voice cracking. “You always leave. This time should be no different.”

* * *

Consciousness came and went, each time her eyes opening to a different location above her. The pain was intense, there were burns on one of her arms for sure. That much she could assess before darkness pulled her under again.

“Commander, I need you to look at me,” a familiar accented voice said. “Any medical conditions I need to be aware of before we take you to surgery?”

“Pregnant,” she whispered, her throat aching. _Please don’t let this baby die with me._

“Shit,” the doctor whispered unprofessionally before yelling out orders. “Okay, the scanner shows a steady, strong heartbeat from the baby.”

“Miranda Lawson,” she ground out as a tear slipped free. “Get her.”

“Where is she?”

“Contact Admiral Hackett, Alliance,” Shepard told her desperately. She couldn’t lose this baby. “Knock me out, get Miranda.”

“Okay,” the Doctor replied before calling out more orders. “We’ll do everything we can, Commander.”

Shepard could only nod as exhaustion overtook her and even that hurt.

* * *

“She’s waking,” a voice said. It was hard to distinguish who it was when it sounded like it was in a tunnel. “Commander, are you in any pain?”

“No,” she answered, her voice dry and scratchy. “Baby?”

“The baby is fine,” she replied.

“Miranda,” Shepard whispered, her throat tight as the woman slowly came into focus.

“You called, I answered,” the woman told her affectionately. “Now, let’s get you into sitting position.” The obvious bump told her she’d been asleep for months. A sob loosed from her as she clumsily spread her hands over her waist. “You’re about six months along and he’s healthy, Shepard.”

“He?”

“It’s a little boy.”

Shepard sobbed.

That was how Hackett found her as she pushed his way through security. Sitting up in bed with her hands splayed on their unborn child as she cried on Miranda’s shoulder.

“Your crew is eager to see you, Spectre,” Hackett said professionally.

“Let them in,” she replied.

“I’ll inform them,” Miranda said as she stood from the bed and exited the room.

“Jane,” Hackett started but paused. Likely waiting for her to cut him off. She was good at that. “How’s the mattress?” That pulled a surprised bark of laughter from her. “Can I talk without you kicking me out?”

“Just this once,” she answered roughly.

“I’m not good at this. Never have been. The military was my life, my love...until you.” He grabbed her hand and sat down next to her. “If I’d’ve known a better way, I’d’ve done it. The right things to say. The right things to do. The only thing I knew was that you deserved better than me.”

Jane swallowed and bit at her lip, fighting back the tears.

Hackett squeezed her hand and lowered his face to hers so that he was speaking in only a whisper. “I have always loved you,” he said. “Never stopped, even with your death. But I was…”

“An idiot. Dumbfuck, jerkface…”

He pulled his face away from her and chuckled, “Yes, all of the above. Will you please take me back, permanently?”

“Is this because I’m pregnant with your son?” It was an obvious question, one he should have known was coming.

“No, I tried to tell you before we knew of the pregnancy, before Earth was hit. I just didn’t know how,” he told her. “Wait, son? It’s a boy?”

She’d kept him from talking, she knew that. It had been easier than hearing whatever he would say. Easier than crumbling before him. “Yes.”

“Can I?” He asked her, his eyes drifting down to the bump, his eyes filling with tears as his hands flexed on his lap.

Shepard lifted the hospital gown to reveal the baby bump, his hands hesitant as they gently spread across his son. That’s how the crew found them. Hackett’s hand on her waist, her hand laying over his, and his head on her shoulder as he wept with joy.

The room quickly filled with people letting their happiness fall from their eyes. Her closet friends, her family. People that walked through hell with her without hesitation.

A man she loved more than anyone in her life and their unborn, healthy child growing inside of her.

This, these people… they’re her family. Her home.

_Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine._

Under the shelter of each other, people survive.

-  
Fin


End file.
